“No, God, we won’t take what You give. No God, Your plans are a gutted, bleeding mess, and I didn’t sign up for this and You really thought I’d go for this? No, God, this is ugly and this is a mess and can’t You get anything right and just haul all this pain out of here and I’ll take it from here, thanks. And God, thanks for nothing.” –Ann Voskamp
These were practically my own words a few years ago. I was so angry and disappointed with God. I felt abandoned and neglected by Him. The Creator of the Universe cannot manipulate earthly systems in order to reduce my pain and suffering… my agony in waiting and worrying?
“Oh, how great are God’s riches and wisdom and knowledge! How impossible it is for us to understand his decisions and his ways.” Romans 11:33
Has God “fixed” everything in my life since then? Has he answered my prayers the way I wanted him to? Does life now look like what I dreamed it would at this stage? The answer to all those questions is a strong NO.
But had God abandoned me, leaving me in my agony of waiting and worrying? NO. But here’s what He did… He joined me there. He wept with me when I wept. He lifted my head when I felt I’d never get out of bed again. And He taught that His presence is enough. It’s enough to carry me through any possible earthly scenario.
Do I still question Him from time to time? Do I still battle fear and worry? Do I still have doubts every now and then? YES. But then I remind myself that God’s ways are not my ways. He is not here to serve me and make me realize my need for Him. And he will stop at nothing to make that happen.
He has stopped at nothing to make a way for me to be in relationship with Him. He went all the way to the cross. He went through with His excruciating plan.
And now, will I shake my fist in His face and say, “Thanks for nothing?” I shudder to think! No, Lord! Forgive me, Lord! I fall on my face before You and I thank You.